Even though we talk about blood consumption and most of us are comfortable with adult topics, I still feel a little squeamish talking about or identifying myself as an Eros Vampire. I do not claim to be the authority or the spokesperson for all Eros Vampires. I have only been musing on my interpretation and my experience in my personal arena of my form of vampirism and how I have come to relate to the world through that lens.
To give my background and a context–I’ve self-identified as gay my whole life. I have had self esteem issues, panic and anxiety disorder. I am not new to feeling guilty or ashamed. I’ve been shamed on quite a few topics of behavior, over my lifetime. But, for some reason, sexual vampirism has been one of those subjects that is fairly new…and unexplored territory for me.
I’ve been an incredibly sexual person for as long as I can remember. Maybe it would be more accurate to say that I have been a sexually-ORIENTED person for as long as I can remember. I was not molested as a child. I was not exposed to any pornography–besides Playboy, but that wasn’t what I was interested in. I simply remember that I was always interested in the idea of sex with other males, since the time that I was very little. (I didn’t have any actual sex until I was 19, though….but, I blame that on my anxiety disorder and extremely negative self-perception.) I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe it, but I definitely had the desire to share myself with my friends at a young age.
I was not sexually active until I was almost 20. As I just shared, I already had a very negative self-perception, so I felt ashamed about myself in general. I would look for any justification to keep feeling ashamed and guilty. However, I was very aware that people looked down on others who were too sexually promiscuous….let alone somehow violating the constructs of married life by cheating on their spouse….and much less, engaging in any homosexual activity.
I was also aware of the double standard….and its loopholes. Heterosexual men often had multiple lovers or were serial monogamists. Women were not allowed nearly the same frequency of changing partners or they were criticized. Although perception can vary, depending on subculture, I grew up being aware that although homosexuality was frowned upon by some….when viewed through the heteronormative framework, I was judged much the same as a heterosexual woman. I was expected to appear sexless or at least in a monogamous relationship–that wasn’t seen “as bad” as being promiscuous.
Even when heterosexual males are found to have extra-marital affairs, there might be criticism….but, more often than not, it is accepted on some level as relatively normal behavior in a heterosexual male. There is a higher frequency or higher level of dismissal when a heterosexual male changes lovers or has multiple lovers at the same time. The higher intensity of criticism occurs when it becomes personal to the party who is commenting on that male’s behavior–his primary partner or someone who is connected to that primary partner….or someone who relates to being in the position of the primary partner that is being cheated on.
My first encounter with cheating partners was being aware that my father cheated on my mother with extramarital partners. I remember her being incredibly hurt, because she incorrectly took it as a reflection of her self worth. There was so much drama involved….so much emotion. Because my mother was hurt, I decided that cheating was wrong, under any circumstances. Since then, I’ve had relationships where I had been cheated on. Also, I’ve been left for other partners. One of the biggest personal turnarounds for me was with one of my more recent boyfriends. We had been friends for years before beginning a romantic relationship. After one of his heterosexual relationships ended, he began a romantic relationship with me. We were comfortably happy, until the night he approached me with the idea that he wanted to start a relationship with another woman while he continued to date me.
At first, I was upset…offended…insulted. But, after he had a long talk with me….including bringing up that within the length of our friendship, I had never objected to him having a girlfriend before….he assured me that nothing was going to affect our current relationship. He was genuinely confused, because to him, he was being respectful by not hiding anything behind my back. I thanked him for his honesty and, like adults, we negotiated the terms involving his secondary relationship.
I had a strong reaction when my then-boyfriend brought up that he wanted to pursue a secondary relationship. I had a strong emotional response, but was very aware of my ongoing thought process.
Not only have I been in relationships with married or otherwise-involved men, but I’ve also observed various people, heard gossip and confessions of those who have been in multiple relationships at the same time. We call it “cheating” when someone is hiding their secondary relationships (or trysts), engaging in them without express permission or acknowledgement. Safety being a given (no pregnancy or STIs), it might be more realistic to acknowledge that many people engage in extramarital affairs….so why are we so surprised and opposed to it?
My preference has always been to be in a monogamous relationship. My reasons for being in one have changed over time, as I have changed. The more that I grow and become more emotionally self-reliant, self-validating, self-loving and self-fulfilling….the less that I need to look to others to fill me. The less that I am waiting for others to perform particular actions, to say particular words for me to justify feeling good about myself. The more that I make myself happy, the less that I hold other people responsible for my happiness. I don’t hold anything against others nearly as much as I used to….I have become more harmless because I am not trying to get something from other people. And as I become more harmless, I am more gentle and kind to others.
Where I am at now is in complete contrast to where I used to be in relationship to others. Now, I experience sex through the eyes of an Eros Vampire. I can ambient feed. I can feed from a Donor’s aura. But, as good as that can be, nothing compares to Eros feeding.
My main emotional relationships are with my siblings, my father and my pets. I do not seek emotional fulfillment in a romantic relationship. My sense of happiness and love come from my relationship with the Divine, the Universe. I fulfill myself directly from the Source. I also do not require to process my feelings against another person–I explore my feelings in meditation and internal journeying. I can be friends with my energetic donors. I can even enjoy having a boyfriend. But, as an Eros Vampire, the most important part of the sexual relationship is the feeding that comes from the sexual interaction, itself.
As an energy vampire, I perceive the sexual act as more of a donation of the type of prana that my system finds most nourishing. I feed on the energies being generated by my partner, in the sex act. As an Eros Vampire, that’s all that I really need from my partner/s. It is not so much a pleasurable activity or means to an end as far as further or deeper involvement with a lover. Because I do not require anything else from a partner, I can respect their needs to return to the rest of their day/night/life outside of the moment of our interaction.
Before I became so independently whole and self-validated, I was extremely clingy and NEEDED someone else to fulfill me. Because I was so negative, I was constantly finding upset in my relationships. Those of us who are emotionally dependent on a lover cannot stand the idea that that lover will be with anyone else….and when we are so emotionally charged with that idea, we tend to find ourselves in situations with lovers who are constantly leaving us for others.
Emotionally dependent people are often full of negative perception. They have a hole inside of them that is never filled by anyone else, although there is a constant (and impossible) demand to have their partner fill them. Sometimes, these emotionally dependent partners are also financially dependent, as well. When their lovers cheat on them, not only is it interpreted as a statement of rejection, but also a threat to being taken care of. Their physical survival is in jeopardy.
Personally, I like monogamous relationships. I like the idea of having a good friendship with a lover or partner. However, as an Eros Vampire, I need to feed. I no longer have the human ideal of romantic partnership. I have not found it in other human beings. I feel Love flowing out from my heart where The Divine lives. I survive without needing a marriage partner. I am learning to love other beings without needing them to behave in a particular way or say particular words for me to justify feeling like I am loved back. As an Eros Vampire, sex is practical. Through reflection, meditation and self-analysis–I have come to unravel what is energy feeding from emotional issues. My emotional wholeness is mine to uphold. Energy feeding is a gift from another being–I am grateful, but no one ever owes me anything more than what they generously give me.
Because I do not need my partners to marry me (although, it would be nice), I can find what I need in friendships with benefits….and sometimes that includes partners in other relationships, married or with girlfriends. I am not trying to pull anyone away from whatever they choose to experience in or as their primary relationships. So many men (people) function by living with their primary partner and having secondary relationships, wherever they can fit them. If there is any chaos or drama that comes from an affair coming to surface, it is guaranteed that there was drama and chaos already running through the rest of the relationship.
The most hostility to those who live freely and openly comes from those people who feel threatened and insecure about their own lives….those emotionally dependent people who think that they can only keep fulfilled if they dig their nails into their partners. These emotionally dependent people find threats in those that are personally liberated. Those sluts that they fear can take their partners away. This is open for debate, but I would venture to guess that partners stay in primary relationships because there are elements which make them comfortable. A household, children, family life, socially acceptable structures that appeal to them. Rather than finding the secondary lovers a threat….it would serve better for those primary partners to make the nest more attractive or become more emotionally independent, if they wanted to make their partner want to stay.
When Eros Vampires are being realistic and respectful of someone else’s primary relationships (married life), there is no reason why we can’t feed as much as we need to and still leave our Donors’ main lives intact. As sacred concubines, we can honor their energy donations by being the outlet for the stress that they can’t express in their home lives. We can consciously be that supplement that they are unconsciously asking for by being counselor, therapist, masseuse and stress relief so that our Donors can find what they are missing….and go back to their homes, fulfilled, healed and happier.